Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Confession Is Good For the Soul Part 3

I know, its been awhile!   TJ got a bit behind in classes and was doing work on the weekend.   For him, that's too stressful, he needs his two days off.  So I decided we would buckle down better this week and so we have been hopping!   Today was our gym day, I got lazy yesterday after cleaning the bunny cages and we didn't end up going.   They had a small exercise class so they did it in the fitness area.   The lady at the desk said we could swim for the half hour and then work out but we ended up just doing our stuff in the pool.   They have these water buoy things that you pull down underwater and its the same as using weights.   They are a bit deceptive though, we did two more sets than we should have because it seemed so easy.   We had just locked our bikes up to go to Subway when TJ said, "Okay, now I feel it!"   Yep, we are both pretty sore.    I guess he told Mom, "I feel so old, you don't understand how this is."   Yes, child, none of us have ever exercised.        LOL

Anyway, we had to make up a few exercises but he got it done and then enjoyed some time just playing in the water.   I broke my rule and we got some subs to take home.   It was a nice time but I can definitely tell I worked out!   Our gym clothes came today and I didn't realize I had ordered T such bright clothes!!!   Well, I guess people will definitely be able to see him on his bike.   Tomorrow is supposed to be our rest day but if he's not too sore we might go back just so he can play in the water again.   Anyway, I thought I would update on what we've been up to before I got into the story again.   I finally started my angel again and now she has two arms.   Maybe after I finish here I can get her some legs.   The little girl has been dead a bit over a year and I am feeling pretty bad about not getting her done.  I'll be sure to post a picture when she is finished.   I am a bit sad, some of the other kids that I follow are not far behind her.            :(


My OB told me that TJ was about seven pounds on my due date and she scheduled an induction for the 20th of June.   One of my appointments was exceptionally bad because I came in with my cervix at 1 cm and she manually stretched me to a 1 1/2!    I have no clue why they do stuff like that, it would've happened in its own time!   Anyway, I was at WalMart when on June 18th when I decided that my back pain was actually labor.   My sister in law took me to the hospital and stayed with me until T was born very early on the 19th of June.  I swear, my first sight of him I thought they had switched babies.   He was waaay too big to be a newborn!   He weighed in at 9 lbs 15 oz and was 22 inches long.   I tried natural childbirth without drugs but had to give in when they started pitocin.   I was too slow for them and they decided I needed something.   My Mom wishes they had been more patient since my birth went the same and then she went from 3 to 10 in less than an hour!   I kept fighting the meds but my OB told me I would not have energy to deliver him if I wasted it all in controlling pain.   It was so hard to give in to that.

I was one of those unlucky ones that needed manually scraped because placenta was stuck.   Yeah, you girls know what that means!   I woke up to my insides feeling like a boxer had been in there and fought his way out.   That was a pretty accurate description!   Poor TJ looked worse than I did.   He actually had black eyes that were swollen!   Anyway, my husband was still in the mental hospital at this time and although he was given permission, never left to visit his son.   He said something about not wanting the baby to see him like that.   Not that a newborn sees much of anything!   I came home with T at three days and was so happy.   I had always wanted to be a mother and I had never known I could love someone so much.   I have to give my Dad another kudo, he was there when I really needed him after T was born.   I was extremely sore, so sore that I could barely move and needed help with TJ.   They gave me morphine tablets in the hospital and I was terrified to take them.   When I literally could not get out of bed the first night, I gave in.   I never realized that if you really need pain medication, it won't react weirdly with you.   I was just able to finally move normally!

Tom came home three days after we did and saw his son at six days old.  Then he proceeded to scare the heck out of me.  He kept taking off with the baby!   Yes, I know, he's his Dad, but I was such a new mother that I didn't want him out of my sight.   He would take a six day old infant out for long walks, sit down on a bench, and fall asleep!!!!    For some reason, he kept taking his sleeping medications during the day and I was terrified TJ was going to get kidnapped.   I finally had to ask his Dad to go find him.   They were sympathetic but thought I was being silly until he found Tom fast asleep on a bench with a squalling baby beside him.   Then I got the worst UTI of my life seven days after he was born.   I found out later its quite common but I didn't know that.  They did a cath because they thought I might have a blockage and I freaked out.   Letting people touch me to make sure my son was healthy was extremely difficult, I thought I was done with all that.   I was also worried about TJ because Tom wouldn't let me take him to the hospital with me.   The whole time I was just fretting about my baby.

I got home and TJ was screaming.   He should have had two bottles in the time we were gone and he had had none.   Not only that, his jammy and the bouncy seat he was in were soaked.   For some reason, TJ might have been a big baby but he didn't eat much.   At seven days old he was eating 2 ounces every three hours.   It took him till a year old to get down an 8 ounce bottle!   I was so upset and once again, Tom was oblivious.  It was obvious to me that he had been released too soon and I didn't know what to do.  I missed my Mom terribly and I needed help.   I was so tore up from my son that I bled bright red until he was four months old.   I was literally white as a sheet and exhausted.   It wasn't from waking up with T, he slept through the night most of the time and I had learned to sleep when he napped.   I knew I had to go home.   Tom was sad but he really didn't put up much fuss.   He was continuing to sleep most of the time.

So 13 days after I had my son, I was on a plane with a big diaper bag, a little diaper bag, my purse, my dog in a carrier and TJ on my chest in a Snuggi.  I was so lucky, at every gate some kind person helped me with my stuff to the next plane.  And TJ was good as gold, he took one bottle the whole time and slept the rest.   Mom told me when she first saw him she thought I had switched babies just for fun because there was no way he was only 2 weeks old!

That started our California adventure and that's where we are now.   Many other things happened along the way that shaped me more.   I did have a boyfriend at one point but his mother convinced him that I was a poor prospect being 2 years older, divorced, with a baby.  I know that I dodged a bullet there since if he was that great a guy, he would not have been swayed by his Mom.   He was 21 and they were doing things like grounding him and taking his car (that he paid for!) away!   The only good thing he did was come with me for my post-partum appointment.   I was so scared for that one that it took until T was 11 months old.   Mom finally reminded me that he really had torn me up inside and if there was damage, it needed fixed now or I might not have any more kids.   I still ended up shaking in the bathroom floor before it but I went and he did hold my hand.   If he hadn't been there for me, I never would have gone.   So I guess that was his purpose in my life.   He broke up with me over the internet.   Yeah, I know, he really was a winner.   I seem to attract them!

Tom wasn't a part of T's life again until he was three years old.  We made a visit to Missouri and he remembered he had a son again.   It was a very awkward visit since I wanted to know why his parents had never contacted me.   They were embarrassed at what their son had done and were punishing themselves.   I still can't figure that one out.   I was in Lake Forest, California for a time and that is when Mom and Dad got married.   They had been together about four years at that point.   We headed over to Las Vegas and TJ was the cutest best man ever.   I really need to scan some of those early pictures.   Things happened and we ended up back in Hemet.   When TJ was about two years old I realized he was starting to mimic me in not wanting to go out.   So I forced myself to go up to the playground in our mobile home park.   Later I went in to the child's center we had and met everyone in there.   Eventually I was helping kids with their homework and it really seemed to be helping me.   I was getting out and talking to people instead of just staying home.  TJ was adored by the bigger kids and spoiled rotten.

Then the center was closed and I was back home.  Eventually TJ started school and things started going downhill for him.   I would get calls halfway through the year that he was missing work and a desk clean out revealed all of it, done no less!   I was wondering why in the world it took them six months to tell me he wasn't turning things in.   He got migraines often, even as a kindergartener.   As you already know, the dam broke in 7th grade with migraines every single school day and he's now in online school.  I do wonder sometimes if he's getting the socialization he needs but I still think we did the best thing for him.

As for me?   I am back to not wanting to leave the house and pat myself on the back every time we make it to the gym.   I go in to stores for Mom but if there are a lot of people in the aisle, I zone out.  I still feel like there is someone in the shower with me and wonder if that will ever go away.  I have never gone back to a GYN since T was 11 months old and know that's not smart.   But the sheer terror that fills me at the thought stops the phone every time.  Since I can't figure out my own feelings, I refuse to date anyone.  I believe Tom and I hurt each other but the next time I could hurt someone all on my own and I would feel awful.  I would love to have more kids but am well aware that I have what I can handle.   That doesn't mean my biological clock isn't pounding in my ears, it just means I won't do anything about it.  And as my son gets older, other feelings are coming.   Not anything yicky, just, realizing that he's a guy too.   Yes, he's my son, but he's male and therefore, scary.   I do my best to hide that but am not sure I am doing so great at it.   I am not sure which is worse, the fact that he can tell and figures its just a part of me or it bothers him but he's not saying.   Knowing my son, he already knows and thinks its just a part of me.  I really did get lucky with him and I am well aware of it.

This isn't the end of the story but its the end of the postings about it.   The end of this story has not been written and I find new pages everyday.  Thank you for being with me on this journey.

Nobody can see a Yoruba sculpture of a smiling Cheerio leopard without smiling themselves.

1 comment:

  1. Shellie,you have an amazing strength about you.The things you have made yourself do in life,since TJ has been born ,to help him have a good life shows that no matter what you will do your best for your child. maybe raising a son is supposed to help you some with believing all men are scary. I'm wishing you well and also your extended family that are having sad difficulties right now.